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Confessions Disclaimers: Sin: The Movie belongs to ... well, not to me. You can sue if you like, but when it costs you and you can’t recoup your money...then what? Notes: JC’s POV. I place this fic just before the events at the beginning of the movie. Author’s Final Note: See this fic? This is a birthday fic. A belated birthday fic for bear (March 17). Watch this fic being written for bear. Enjoy, bear. Enjoy. I apologize for any and all mistakes. This fic is unbeta’d because I wanted to get it posted. It’s late as it is. Sorry. Chapter 1 God. This is going to sound so cliché. And I hate cliché. But it seems like all of a sudden I realized that I had feelings for him. The realization hit me with all the oomph of an Ah Ha! Moment. Who knows where they came from? Are they because instead of throwing my skinny ass in jail, he gave me a second chance, a chance to do some good? Or maybe the signs were there all along. And those feelings came from how I felt when he was in the room. The way my skin tingled when he touched me in the most casual way. How I felt warm and gooey in my stomach when he looked at me. Or the way the room seemed to brighten when he graced us with one of his rare smiles. Or how my body hardened when he would stand half-naked in front of his locker after a shift, the droplets of water clinging to his sculpted body, the towel threatening to slip off at any moment. Oh how I wished on more than one occasion that it would. Just a tiny slip, just a glimpse of his pulsing …ummm...yeah. Maybe I shouldn’t go there. Soooooo anyway…tonight found us wrapping up a huge drug bust. This thing had been months in the making. Our snitch told us about a big deal of heroin going down. We managed to storm the place before the drugs left the premises, confiscated most of the operation and placed the heavy players into police custody. Our base of operations had disintegrated into a huddle across the street from the warehouse. It was really late when we were wrapping up our part of it. The big heads were stuffed into cars; preliminary reports and statements were taken. Scene photographers, evidence, the place was swarming with people. And in the middle of all the activity, there he stood. Colonel John Blade, commander of Hard Corps elite task force. It’s making me hard again, just thinking how huge he looked, silhouetted against the building, and looking oh-so-fuck-me-hard studly. And he was standing right next to me. All I had to do was reach out, and I could touch him. Being so close to him made it difficult to concentrate, the blood seemingly going to other parts of my body, but I knew my skills were still needed. The chief wanted one final electronic sweep of the premises before we left for the night. So I managed, with great difficulty I might add, to shake off the images of the sculpted god and get back to work. It’s a good thing too. I found the detonator, 45 seconds before it was scheduled to go off. The warning cry went out and our people came pouring out of the warehouse, scattering like bugs. It would have been quite spectacular to watch the whole building go up. I was bummed that I missed it. Col. Blade had managed to pull me down behind a cruiser and shielded me from the blast with his body. Okay. Maybe I wasn’t -that- bummed. I don’t know which had me more stunned. The fact that we almost lost a good number of personnel in the blast or the fact that John Blade, my hard bodied commander was laying on top of me, just like in my fantasies. I prayed that he couldn’t feel the raging hard on I got with us splayed like that. By the way, he was damn heavy. Afterwards, we headed to O’Riley’s for a celebratory beer. In spite of losing the warehouse and any final evidence, it was a good night. We caught most of the perps, hit a big drug cartel square in the nads, made off with one of their bigger operations and didn’t lose any of our people in the process. Chalk one up for the good guys. We all felt pretty good. Kait and Tim eventually paired off and headed…who knows where. Hopefully back to one of their apartments. It’s about time those two got together. Tim needs a strong female influence in his life. And Kait’s the woman to do it. She’ll kick Tim’s ass and keep him in line. Hell I think she could even kick the Colonel’s ass. My sister says the same of me. No, not that Kait could kick my ass; there are no doubts that she could. But that I need a strong woman in my life to keep me focused. She just doesn’t understand. I don’t need a woman. I don’t really want one. I want, I need…him. So now it’s just the two of us, the Colonel and I. We eventually close the bar and stumble out to the street. Neither of us is ready to get any sleep; still hyped from the biggest drug takedown yet, even if some of it did go up in the conflagration. We head back to his place to keep celebrating. *~*~* His apartment is sparse. He has no need to collect unnecessary things. Just a sofa and a chair arranged around a coffee table littered with newspapers. A small TV occupies one corner. Modest digs for a modest guy. Oh sure, he’s confident where it counts. You don’t get as far up the chain as he has and be a shrinking violet about your capabilities. He never seems to lord it over anyone though. I think that is why most of us under his command have a great deal of respect for him. I know it’s one of the many things I like and admire about Col. John Blade. He offers me a shot of Jack Daniels while we get situated in his living room, which I take. I don’t normally drink anything this hard, but since it’s either that or water, I opt for a shot of liquid courage. Actually…several. Because tonight, I make my move. I am going to risk it all. See, I’ve known that I’m a homosexual for some time now, since I was a teenager really. I don’t think too much about it. I’ve never fought it, since it always felt natural, when I realized that my ‘tastes’ ran along the lines of men, and not women. I’ve heard that some men fight it, deny it. But I never had the desire to. I would have rather poured my efforts into things that mattered. Hacking, for instance. Being homosexual is something that just is. I'm gay. I'm a hacker. I'm the youngest of our family. You get the picture. The people that I work with probably already know or at least suspect. But it is a non-issue and never really gets addressed. Must be a remnant of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell era of history. But it is still stressful keeping it in. I mean, it’s not like there are a whole lot of people I can talk to about it. I could try and talk with other gay men I suppose, but the one’s I’ve met only have one thing on their mind. It’s not like they are haunting the glory holes looking for love and commitment, or even someone to just sit and talk. Blow and go, that’s the name of the game, and hope that the dick in your mouth doesn’t belong to an undercover. I stopped going to those places once I started working closely with the Colonel. You see ever since I met him, I’ve fantasized about him. He’s everything anyone, male, female, animal, mineral and vegetable, could want in a man. He oozes testosterone and it sends everyone into tailspins when he is around. So no one else really interests me much anymore. I had heard talk around the station that suggested that the Colonel was gay, although there was no corroborating evidence to suggest one way or another. I mean, its not like he wears a pink triangle or has a rainbow sticker on his car. But when I overheard the chief’s secretary gossiping with the evidence clerk, I felt giddy. They had some pretty compelling arguments. At least, it was what I wanted to believe. So I started trying to come up with every conceivable reason to be around him. I was determined to uncover the truth. And now I get my chance tonight. But how to go about it? Play coy and flirt? Be direct? Hint around? Draw the conversation around and get a sense of how he feels about it? And Jack flowed like water. |